Why are self-portraits always so serious?
I used to be perplexed when I looked at the self portraits of other artists. Something almost like confusion seems to permeate their gaze. I wondered if the somber, fixated stare in which artists chose to depict themselves was somehow representative of the way in which they viewed themselves.
Is that really how artists see themselves? Someone solemn, maybe a little disillusioned, staring quizzically out at the world? Glancing in the mirror with a harsh, ironic gaze?
“Even if I had been able to capture a less serious expression, could my picture really have recreated the person behind the outward form?"
That was until I drew my own self-portrait. I completed this drawing while standing at an easel, looking in a hand mirror. It took one sitting. Just a few hours. Yet those few hours were intense, and the process demanded an enormous amount of concentration.
I think what I found hardest was that I felt like it wasn't even myself whom I was drawing. I was copying what I saw in the mirror, yes. The face of a person called Sarah Giddy. But somehow it wasn't really me.
Drawing the outside.
The face that I was copying looked serious, focused. It's impossible to stay smiling for three hours, especially when you're working hard. I was tired. So of course, the expression on the face that I drew wasn't really a normal expression for me. I hardly consider this drawing an accurate representation of my personality.
But also, I knew as I drew that I was drawing just a shell. An outer garment, if you like. Even if I had been able to capture a less serious expression, could my picture really have recreated the person behind the outward form?
When I look at this drawing, I like to think that my stare holds more than just the concentration and tiredness of an art student struggling last minute to finish a self-portrait assignment. I know from personal experience that there was something else as well.
Wonder.
As the artist analyses her face in the mirror, she is shattered by the wonder of how she can even attempt to copy the most complex artistry of God.
And that is, when I think about it, representative of how I view myself, so perhaps it's not such a bad self-portrait after all.
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